When I got married, I did not yet realise I was trans, still living, as I used to say, "as technically a man", it would take several more years and the reading of plenty of trans and non-binary accounts "Just out of interest" before I realised, I am a trans woman. This was not an issue for my wife who up until dating me had only seen herself as a lesbian and never truly felt comfortable with the label of bisexual, to quote her when I came out, "I told you I was a lesbian when we met! I was right!"

Through my reading of trans accounts of fellow British people, I knew that getting a Gender Recognition Certificate (GRC) was a nightmare and many do not get one due to its draconian requirements and, of course, one cannot legally identify as non-binary in the UK, an unjust state of affairs which I cannot see changing soon. Yet I still wanted one.A GRC is not currently needed for legal gender change so many do not see the need and honestly, I cannot be sure if, particularly with current nonsense of laws and guidelines, it is worth anything. But at the time I wanted one because I sensed the law would change for the worst for trans and non-binary people. This was during the Prime Ministership of Boris Johnson and when he wasn't partying and allowing people to die of COVID, he was taking every opportunity to be transphobic, and I saw no reason for this to improve with subsequent prime ministers or governments (I hate it when I'm right). So, I hoped, but did not expect to, having a GRC would in some way protect me from what was to come.After the required years of living 'as a woman' and proving it with the only way the government understands, with proof I was engaged in capitalism, via supplying many tax and electricity bills, alongside various forms of identification I sent off my application. This was to be reviewed by a board of people whom I will never meet, will never know the names of or even why they are qualified to judge my gender more than I am. During the process I had to get my wife's permission to change my gender as the theory is, one should not have to be married to someone who no longer identifies with the gender that they were when they got married, but denying a GRC is fine. Whilst theoretically one can get a form to allow for divorce in cases such as these, if one's partner is vindictive, they can make life difficult and use one's gender identity as a method of control and abuse. Luckily, my always supportive wife happily signed the forms, and it was away.

But this is truly where my marriage became an issue for the GRC, as me and my wife had a Catholic wedding. It was a beautiful, wonderful day full of so much love and happiness, even if me and the priest had been arguing for months over how gay marriage should be allowed rather than in his view it just being between "confused people who are not actually in love". I am a good arguer, but priest who has been in the clergy for over 50 years and grew up in a strict Catholic community in Ireland was even beyond my rhetoric.

As I'm sure anyone reading this knows, the Catholic Church is not exactly ideal when it comes to LGBTQ+ or feminist issues. When gay marriage laws were put into legislation it stated that no religious ceremonies could marry a gay couple if that denomination did not agree to it. This led to a legal issue for all people receiving a GRC, because as well as getting a new birth certificate, one will also receive a new marriage certificate with the correct gender and name, leading to situations such as mine when I could have a marriage certificate for lesbian wedding happening in a Catholic Church. The apparent solution according to the government was to lie. My new marriage licence states that I was married in the local registry office, I have nothing against registry office weddings obviously, but it just simply isn't the truth. So now I am left, in a way, with two realities, one in which there are memories of a wonderful day, many photographs and videos and an original marriage certificate, all of which point to a Catholic wedding, and one which has no memories attached to it, no truth or evidence apart from that of a marriage certificate that states I got married somewhere which I know I did not. The state telling me my own reality is untrue is something unfortunately common to all of us who share in being trans and non-binary.

After accepting that I would have a lying wedding certificate, I had to wait for my application to be approved. I did not feel any real anticipation about getting a GRC, it makes me no more woman, and of my trans friends I genuinely don't know who does and does not have a GRC an in all honesty I do not care. As the weeks of waiting ended, I got an e-mail congratulating me on receiving the GRC, included was an electronic copy which I opened presuming to see my own name Natalie Jacques-Butterworth but rather seeing the name Jasmine Jacques-Butterworth, my very much cisgender wife.

This obviously led to some confusion, was I reading this correctly? But after checking with several people including my wife it became clear, they had issued it in the wrong name. So, according to this GRC, I did not get married to cisgender woman in a Catholic Church rather I married a trans woman in a registry office.

Naturally, I emailed the office responsible, and politely but admittedly bewilderingly asked, what an earth is going on? How could I have been made to give evidence of my existence as Natalie for years, given dozens of proofs of identity, just for them to issue the GRC in the wrong person's name?! After a day or two I received an e-mail thanking me for informing them of the issue, no apology or promise that they will figure out what went wrong but attached was a correct GRC. This GRC has sat in a folder on my computer and has since never been opened, used or even looked at.

So, after making my own wedding a legally convenient lie, and somehow making wife trans, or possibly the only cisgender person to be given a GRC, was it worth it? Not really. Am I any more protected than that of my fellow and trans and non-binary siblings? It appears not. I was correct in thinking that it would get worse, but what I did not expect was how little the law means when it comes to protecting us. After the Supreme Court ruling, and the political and media fallout such pleasantries as legal documentation, the truth, human rights acts, and basic human decency does not seem to apply to us anymore. The GRC seems to have fallen into a legal black hole according to current EHRC advice, and the legal ramifications of having one can be best understood in a shrug motion. I am currently going through a fair bit due to being trans on top of this, I am waiting for my GP practise to finish an investigation into how their failure to monitor my hormones resulted in my bottom surgery being cancelled weeks before it was to happen. I am also fighting my school to be able to use the women's bathrooms, as it seems I am too much of a risk towards my fellow women, but it's fine for me to be in charge of a bunch of children. In essence whilst I do love being trans, it certainly comes with its downsides, including my basic protections.

But as I write this, I am recovering from a friend's wedding that I went to with one of my closest friends, we danced, laughed, sang, chatted about everything from the deepest to the lightest of topics. It was an event full of love, care and happiness which reminded me of my own wedding. The friend I went with was at my wedding, since I came out, she has become someone I know I can rely on, and we have supported each other through some very tough times. I say this, as even though I doubt my GRC is even worth the paper that it was printed on, I know now what protects us from harm, it is our loved ones, such as my wonderful wife, our friends and family both queer and otherwise and the communities we build. Whilst the government has decided that my wedding did not take place in the way that I know it did, and hurts our community daily, I now know what I need to do is to protect those that I can, in full knowledge that they will protect me back.